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Homosexuals Unveil New Bathroom Sex Code, Declare It 'Unbreakable' |
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 Written by cbadley
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Wednesday, 30 January 2008 |
It never fails: You’re eating in a restaurant, innocently trying to dislodge something from your throat with a polish sausage, and some gay guy comes on to you. Somehow you’ve inadvertently given out a “gay signal” and social convention dictates that you must follow the man outside and service him behind a dumpster. The problem with gay signals is that there are so many of them; in fact, the number of gay signals rivals that of International Sign Language. Mistakes will be made if nothing is done. Senator Larry Craig was mistaken for a homosexual after simply reaching under the wall of a bathroom stall and playing footsie with the man defecating next to him. Ted Haggard was mistaken for a gay man simply because he had sex with a gay man. This ambiguity can ruin lives.
And someone is doing something about it. The leaders of the gay community, a conglomeration of Broadway actors, cosmetologists and the Steam Fitter’s Union 1501 have compiled a list of non-ambiguous signals that are also inconspicuous to those around that are not “in the know”. Some of these changes were announced at what started as a press conference in a Greenwich Village café, but later degenerated into a mimosa-fueled drunken rant:
Signs: A pull on the ear and two fingers says, “I want gay sex, but we have to hurry because my family’s waiting in the S’barro’s right outside”. A pull on the ear and three fingers says, “Self-loathing gay man likes Thai boys and walks on the beach”. A pull on the ear and one finger indicates that you should steal second base.
Refrigerator magnets: Specifically, any Lord of the Rings refrigerator magnet stuck to the outside of a bathroom stall indicates homosexuality. Gandalf indicates that the occupant is an older man who like ‘em young and short. Frodo indicates a younger man who likes jewelry; and, Strider indicates a man who likes to ride in slow motion with perfect hair flowing in the war-torn breeze.
Tattoos: A visible Mel Gibson tattoo indicates the wearer likes it rough. John Houseman’s visage indicates an old ineffectual queen. Emmanuel Lewis’ indicates that the wearer feels eighties sitcoms gave viewers a strong message of morality, love and tolerance and that the wearer likes to be fisted with an alcohol-soaked catcher’s mitt.
A full list can be acquired at any gay bar or Bennigans restaurant...
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