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Hillary Is Right (Handed) |
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 Written by Katelyn Sack
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Tuesday, 24 June 2008 |
As Senator Barack Obama poised to become the official Democratic Presidential nominee this week, opponent Hillary Clinton made a last-ditch appeal to voters. "I am the only mainstream candidate remaining who stands for the vast majority of Americans: I am right-handed." An aide turned on Joan Osborne's "Right-Hand Man" in the background while Senator Clinton continued speaking.
"While John McCain and my dear friend Barack will never know how we all hold scissors, run an extra step to first base, or brake hard and fast on a motorcycle, I stand before you today and say: you are in the right. And I am right there with you. And while I do not stand for discrimination, I am a down-home Christian gal, and the Bible clearly prefers right-handedness." Southpaws Al Gore, Bill Clinton, John McCain, Barack Obama, Jon Stewart, Vincent D'Onofrio, and Ned Flanders could not be reached for comment as of press time.
In related news, Barack Obama's campaign manager, David Plouffe, reportedly readied his resignation after publicly suggesting Hillary could become Barack's "right-hand woman" in the days to come. Inside sources who decline to be quoted indicate Obama remains sensitive about the dexterity of his right hand following a bowling incident in a small-town Michigan state park involving a flock of maimed pigeons and a crushed balloon-animal stand.
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