Bush Leaves Office with a Bang

Written by Katelyn Sack
Tuesday, 01 July 2008
Photo submitted by Katelyn Sack President George Walker Bush was arrested Tuesday morning on suspicion of plotting to kill the President. Pretzels of all shapes, sizes, and variations of saltiness were found stockpiled in the Lincoln Bedroom. All bore President Bush's telltale fingerprints, and a few contained what has just been proven by the nation's best forensic analysis to be his saliva. Preliminary analysis of the splatter pattern indicates possible droolage. A series of debris-covered bicycles and one very scratched-up helmet were found in the White House garage, under a large canvas tarp reading "Nothing to see here, Mom." A large stash of fireworks was also discovered under the President's bed, along with sketches outlining different options for setting off the small explosives all over the White House soon before the next occupant arrives. Of particular note are drawings showing cherry bombs in all the bathrooms on the first floor, sparklers inside toilet bowls, and a note indicating "big shiny ones with loud BOOM!" should be everywhere. The Secret Service has no official comment, but high-ranking agents confirm the President's security detail fears the President may be endangering the President's life. The good news for the President is that, thanks to the recent Supreme Court decision in Heller – ruling that the Second Amendment protects individual citizens' right to bear arms – Bush can effectively protect himself, from himself, with a handgun. Halliburton is reportedly in talks with the Vice President's office to secure a no-bid deal on the research and development of a gun without a trigger.