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Next federal Cabinet made up of regular guys and gals. |
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 Written by David Martin
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Tuesday, 07 October 2008 |
More and more, it appears that those running for America’s highest office are presenting themselves as regular guys and gals, just like you and me. In keeping with this trend, it only makes sense that the eventual winner will want to choose a Cabinet with members who are also just plain folks. If the new President needs any help, I have just the candidates.
As for Vice President, there’s my golfing buddy Dexter Jones. Dex is one of those guys who’s even-tempered and dependable. He’s not all that bright but we’re talking Vice President here. You don’t have to be an Einstein. But if you’re looking for a guy who’s happy doing very little, Dex is your man.
For Secretary of State, the choice would be easy: Freddy Barnes, my old pal from college. Of all my old college buddies, Freddy is the one with the most experience in foreign affairs. Freddy was a real ladies’ man and he must have slept with women from at least half a dozen different foreign countries including Canada and Quebec. Plus he was our dorm’s all-time Risk champion.
Treasury Secretary calls for someone who’s good with figuring and balancing a check book, right? That would be my wife Lurlene. Believe me, she’s a whiz with numbers. If it were up to me, we’d be broke by now. But Lurlene manages to stretch a dollar farther than anyone I know. Between using grocery coupons and making lunches for everybody, she’s always balanced our books. I’m sure she could do the same for the country.
Secretary of Defense calls for a tough-nosed, no-nonsense, mean s.o.b. And for someone like that, the new President need look no further than my hunting pal Harold “Buck” Buford. Buck owns every kind of legal firearm there is and a few that even the Second Amendment didn’t contemplate. If you’re looking for a guy to stare down those crazy bastards in Iran and North Korea, you can’t go wrong with Buck.
And, Mr. President, if you’re looking for a Chief of Staff to implement these appointments, I’m your man. Not only have I been an assistant coach of a kids’ soccer team, I’ve also organized a fantasy football league three years running. When it comes to being a regular guy, there’s really no one more ordinary than me.
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