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Consumer Reports Names Worst New Product of 2008 |
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 Written by Mike Richardson Bryan
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Thursday, 06 November 2008 |
YONKERS, NY—At a press conference yesterday, Consumer Reports Magazine named the worst new product of 2008.
"It was a banner year for god-awful products," said Len Leary, the magazine's editor-in-chief, "but after extensive testing, we have identified the worst of the worst."
The second runner-up was Nada, the 0% milk from Monsanto.
"Monsanto saw the success of 1% milk and 2% milk and thought, 'Why stop there?'" said Leary. "So they developed Nada, a beverage that technically qualified as milk but was devoid not only of fat, but also of protein, carbohydrates, and any and all vitamins and minerals, leaving only a thin grey gruel."
Consumers quickly soured on Nada, with one food critic famously quipping that drinking it was "like trying to drink a fart," and it was discontinued after just three months.
The first runner-up—Bendy Smokes, from Philip Morris—fared even worse.
"They were just like regular cigarettes, except that they had flexible joints in the middle, like bendy straws,'" said Leary. "Philip Morris insisted that Bendy Smokes were aimed at adults who wanted to make smoking 'fun again,' but they were obviously targeted at children, in clear violation of federal law."
With the threat of criminal charges looming, Bendy Smokes were frantically pulled from store shelves after just one week.
Finally, this year's winner was No-Lax, the stool hardener from Novartis.
"After years of success with stool softeners such as Ex-Lax, Novartis realized that there are actually people out there who worry that their stools are too soft,'" said Leary. "So they developed No-Lax, an anti-laxative that promised, in the company's own words, 'to turn loose, runny stools into dry, dense bricks that could split a buffalo apart at the seams.'"
When asked if he had ever taken No-Lax himself, Leary visibly shuddered. "As a matter of fact, I have," he said. "And believe me, it works only too well. After popping a single tablet of No-Lax, I spent fifteen hours on the toilet struggling to expel a colossal mass of impacted fecal matter. What finally emerged had the consistency of kiln-fired clay and was followed by a plume of dust that smelled distinctly of powdered bone. Afterwards, I required weeks of physiotherapy to get back on my feet and months of counseling before I could go near a toilet again."
Despite its overall poor reception, No-Lax remains available—and wildly popular—in Germany.
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